I have a family member that has, for as long as I can remember, made regular periods in my life a living hell. She has what appears to be some sort of borderline personality disorder, early stage alcoholism and what an old friend described as 'malignant narcissism'. Regardless of the label, this person has vilified me, believed in me, manipulated me, loved me, loathed me, revered me and deeply resented me for what feels like forever. After 15 years of good therapy, I should be able to set boundaries, but in this toxic game, she declares me The Villain and herself The Victim, and so, in an effort to appease and to hold onto some sense of okay-ness, I succumb, I please, I let her in, I bite my usually quick tongue.
I've tried the alternative, but the price is just too high; the punishment too brutal. She is, as all narcissists are, entirely oblivious to her own misdeeds. More painfully perhaps is the fact that I have realised that I am nothing to her unless I am useful. If I am not feeding her self esteem, buying her things or making her seem 'good by association', then I am worthless. Then I feel worthless.
And the worst part is that no matter how capable I am of intellectualising it all, it still makes me feel like shit. I wrote this poem years ago and thought I'd share it for those of you that been made to feel self-sick by somebody that is supposed to love you. Disclaimer: This is no Dr Seuss.
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the smallest blackest dot in the universe
full of tainted blood and half rotting insides
they all know
and all the flowers and pretties and smiley happy faces cannot closet
that i’m half unloved
half resented
half.wished.gone
bitch
whips me across my commoner good-for-nothing face; stings my puffy, freckled cheeks
and still, nobody, least of all me, will let me free to say goodbye. to shout e.n.o.u.g.h.
and so, all that’s left is guilt-stained sick
and me. and my nothingness.
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