Elusive Bloody Balance

I am a workaholic. (we love you Joanne)

Actually, I think the root of my problem is anxiety, which I've chosen to channel into all sorts of unhealthy compulsions and obsessions, but none as productive (or commercial) as workaholism. This problem has been going on for as long as I can remember.

It's made me an adult nail biter (oh the shame), has burnt out my adrenal gland on numerous occasions, has bumped up my cortisol levels to 6x what they should be, has amplified my Maternal Guilt and has made me feel as if I might be well and truly missing out on what matters. It eats into my sleep, screws up my eating habits and nullifies any attempts to exercise, which in turn, makes me less healthy, perpetually exhausted and nowhere near reaching my Big Dream of being Elle Macpherson's successor.

It's also given me self esteem, a channel for my creative energies, a nice income, a network of incredible people, a sense of purpose, financial freedom (which I fortunately don't need now, because my marriage rocks), a deep sense of achievement, potent intellectual stimulation and a good reputation.

There must be a middle ground. So why, as a supposedly intelligent woman, who has spent most of my adult life in therapy, can I not find it? And why, when I come close, does it completely unnerve me.

Am I addicted to being busy, afraid of the space between? Is it all a function of my shite self esteem that leaves me craving outside approval? Am I greedy? Do I have ADD?

I don't know.

What I do know for sure is that I absolutely love working. I've tried (not very hard) to be a lazy wench and I felt like a useless sloth that deserved to be put down.

What I also know is that I also love the idea of playing in the space between; of having the time to breathe, to walk, to read, to sleep, to choose.

I feel under-nourished right now, but the irony is that the busier I become, the more I want to accomplish. (eg. this week, in the midst of my most INSANE project to date, I am going to bulk cook various stews for my husband and kids, in an effort to ensure that they are warm and nourished this winter).

Mad as fucking frogs. I know.





I'm Libran, ergo, I need balance. The problem with this is that I have never experienced balance in my 33 years on Planet Earth, so I don't even know what I'm aspiring to.