Something's gotta give

It's been too long. Since last we spoke, Aubrey, our commitment-phobic hamster, has escaped twice. I have hired and trained two staff members, built very cool offices, scarified my lawn, replanted my herb garden, found my brother a place to live, taken on more work than I can spell, let alone handle, consumed approximately 150 cups of coffee and discovered that my cortisol levels (the stress hormone) are 6 x higher than normal. Shock me shitless.

Right now, I am sitting in front of my computer in my new office, looking onto my newly-scarified lawn and drinking cup # 151. I look older. Sleep sucks me in and aside from Ben's nightly yelps, I am certain that I die of exhaustion every night. This can't be sustainable.

That said, The Walnut Office now has an excellent team. All Type A's. All on the mad side of smart. Our offices are whimsical - functional and quirky and light. Our workload is heavy. My new Junior Strategist worked until 4am the other night. And it's a half day job.

I love it. I love working. I love managing hard-working people. I love creating. Solving. Writing. I love making a difference for clients. I love running a business.

But everything else has gone to shit. Despite the fact that my offices are at home, I have been around so little this month that Liam, my 4 year old, is attention-seeking non-stop. I'd like to believe that it has nothing to do with my workload; that it's just a phase, but I know him and we're deeply connected.

My husband has been amazingly supportive. Despite growing up in what would be considered a very patriarchal home, he is so proud of me. He's also an incredible source of input. He's run businesses and his commercial sense is excellent. We're off to New York in 2 weeks, which will be a good opportunity to re-connect (if I can get over the guilt of leaving the kids for a few days).

I know that I will find my groove again; my manic definition of 'balance'. I know that this office and these employees are the right thing to do. We do some really cool work for people and it was time to grow. For now, I'm going to try and just be in this frenetic space without too much judgment or guilt; choose my manic defense. My family will survive my distraction until it all settles.

So will I. I think.