Why offering your child a marshmallow might be the most important thing you ever do.

In th 1960's, a researcher from Stanford University wanted to test the relationship between self-discipline and long term success.

So he teased a bunch of hungry 4 year olds.

He offered them a choice: one marshmallow right now or two if you can wait 15 minutes - a virtual eternity for a pre-schooler. About a third of the kids hoovered the marshmallow before taking a breath, a third waited a bit, but couldn't manage the 15 minutes and about a third waited the full time and earned their 2 marshmallows. This last group struggled. Some of them licked the table. Some sang songs. Some danced. But they waited. No matter what it took, they waited.

The study was a longitudinal one, so the same kids were reviewed at age 14 and age 24.

The results were amazing: the children that had resisted the marshmallows for the full 15 minutes were ultimately (and statistically significantly) more positive, more self-motivated, more persistent and determined when life threw them a curveball and naturally, better able to delay gratification in pursuit of long term goals. Even more significantly, they had more successful marriages, earned more money and were happier with their careers. They were even healthier than the marshmallow-scoffers.

Blows your mind right?

So naturally, after reading the study, I grill Liam in the car:
"If I said you can watch one episode of Diego now, or 2 episodes if you wait until after supper, what would you choose?"
"Two after supper."

So far so good.

"If I said you can have a delicious sucker from my handbag right now, or you can have two suckers if you wait until tomorrow after school, what would you choose?"
"Hmmm. I don't know."
"Think about it. One sucker now in the car or 2 suckers tomorrow when I fetch you."
"Two suckers tomorrow when you fetch me."

Halle-fucking-lujah!

But because I am obsessive compulsive, Type A and according to a counsellor I recently met, "completely fucking bonkers", I am now uber-focused on flexing Liam's delayed gratification muscle. The only thing I don't make him wait for is to pee...because that would not be cool.

Kids today don't wait for anything. It's a now-generation and it's unnerving. They don't have to wait until they're home to make a phone call. They don't have to go to a bookstore to buy a book. They don't have to wait 3 weeks while the Post Office snail-mails the letter from their granny. The Internet (and god bless it) has made us compulsive and impatient and unimaginative and almost totally reliant on external sources of stimulation.

I'm convinced that this instant gratification is related to ultimate substance abuse, anxiety and depression. Celebs are the extreme. The 'too-much-too-soon' crowd inevitably land up with alcohol-monitoring bracelets on their ankles and court appearances. And they're bloody miserable.

For what it's worth, I think kids should learn to wait. They should learn not to interrupt while mom's on the phone. They should have to wait their turn. They should wait for (and earn) privileges. They should have to hold onto that sucker all afternoon until 18h32 when dinner is over...and then eat it. And not because mom's a militant wench (although I think there's a place for that side of mom too), but because mom knows, either intuitively or because Stanford said so, that delayed gratification is one of the most important things kids can learn.

As for me, it's way too late. I'm going to pour a glass of wine. :)