22 January 2009. Benjamin Riley Smollan born by Jewish natural delivery (C-section without make up) at the Park Lane Clinic. Because he had aspirated amniotic fluid, he was put into ICU for the first 3 nights, with an orogastric tube through which I fed him colostrum (squeezed out and lovingly syringed), a drip in his foot and a C-pap (which is oxygen with pressure ie. one step away from a ventilator). It was a bumpy start, but it was pot-picnic with Mary Poppins compared to what was to come.
Suffice it to say that 2009 was a very difficult year. Ben had severe reflux, compounded by delayed gastric emptying. The reflux was so severe that he vomited several times after every single feed (not fun when you're breastfeeding), 'failed to thrive' and developed ulcerations and erosion of his esophagus from the acid. It was bad. He was on every medication (Western and alternative) available. I changed everything. Tried everything. Went to every doctor, quack, guru I could find. I spent hours in hospitals holding him down while they did bizarre tests (barium swallows, gastroscopies, colonscopies, radioactive isotopic milkograms), drew blood numerous times from his litle neck, ran allergy tests and collected samples of every bodily fluid. He woke up several times a night until he was 2 (he is still a bad sleeper) and had chronic ear infections (another reflux-baby complication). The worst part was that he cried ALL the time. He was in pain on his back so no baby gyms. He hated his car seat and often choked on his vomit when he was in it(I pulled over off the highway at least once a week)and he refused to be in the pram.
It was hell. He was always hungry and exhausted and in pain. And so was I.
When the lactation nurse told me I had post natal depression, I thought she was on crack. I was coping perfectly. Between doctors' appointments, chronic sleep deprivation, a 2 year old toddler and a growing business, I hadn't noticed that I was a hollow shell, riddled with anxiety and helplessness.
Long story short, I went on Zoloft after much resistance and continued to see my therapist once a week. I thought I would share my experience, because psychiatric drugs are commonplace now, for PND and otherwise:
After a few weeks of being on the drug, I felt calmer, more stable and more able to cope. I was hungrier, less manic and my obsessive thought patterns seemed to have lost steam, which was an enormous relief. That said, there were side effects and they were unpleasant (and I have major issues with messing with my brain chemistry), so my plan was always to get off after 6 months. And so I did. Instead of slowly weaning off though, I weaned extremely quickly. Needless to say, this is not a domain in which you should try to over-achieve.
Picture it: my herb garden; 17h30 on a freezing Friday afternoon, clad in shorts and armed with a massive garden fork.
Romy (best mate and therapist): You've been churning that fucking herb garden and singing for over an hour.
Jo: I know!! I have so much energy! I am so happy to be off those shitty little pills!
Romy: Aren't you cold?
Jo: Not at all! I'm brilliant! (my fingers were purple)
Romy: I can't watch you anymore. You're exhausting me.
Jo: Nonsense! I am vibrant, alive, energised and ...
Romy: Manic?
Jo: (pause) Oh Jesus. I'm manic.
Romy: You need to go back on the meds.
Jo: I can't. (crying)
Romy: You have to. People go manic and then crash if they don't wean off. I'm serious. You are dangerously manic right now. Listen to me. I know you.
And she did. I went back on Zoloft and tried to wean off several times after that, but the crash was too hard.
About a month ago, I came off Zoloft and the impact has been good and bad. I am chewing my nails compulsively and it's beyond gross. I'm 34. Grow up. I cry almost every day, but it feels so good. My dreams are vivid and demanding and familiar. Life feels harder because my obsessive thoughts are back like bitches and they are debilitating.
But I feel alive. And I would choose that over anything else. I needed the help at the time and there is absolutely a time and place for Crazy-Happy Pills. But GP's are prescribing them like Nurofen and I'm not sure that sits well with me.
My biggest thing was that I wasn't me. I was a version of me, even when I weaned down to half a tab a day. I AM anxious. I AM emotional. I AM highly strung. It's no picnic, but it's me. And so I pick aliveness and familiarity. For the time being.
As for Benjamin Riley, he is perfect. But he has totally fucked up his chances for a younger sibling. :)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
What the American Journal of Psychiatry says about being a good parent (and it ain't what you think)
By now, you may have realised that I have a somewhat unhealthy attachment to both my hamster Aubrey and my therapist. Said therapist sent me an amazing article last year about what makes a good parent. The American Journal of Psychiatry published the results of research conducted on children's happiness quotient, their EQ, their success through life, their ability to be in healthy relationships, their self esteem etc etc and conveniently, published a list of the Top 10 things good parents do.
I won't go into the full detail of the study, because I'm not sure I could do it justice, but here's the essence:
1. Number 1 is unconditional love. Kids need to feel loved and secure, and unless you've been living under a rock or your surname is Palin, that one's a no-brainer.
2. Number 2 blew my mind and my cortisol levels: "parents' ability to manage their own stress". Yup. If you're a regular, frantic, volatile, exhausted wreck, it has a MASSIVE impact on your children and who they will become later in life.
3. Number 3 is the way parents are seen to relate to one another and to others. Kids learn how to relate to the world by observing; by what they witness and not by what they're told. You've seen the kids with moms that speak badly to hired help. They tend to be rude to service providers too. Equally, dads that get their own way by being aggressive often have bullying sons. Importantly too, for parents in relationships, know that your kids' self esteem is tightly correlated with the integrity and stability of your relationship with your significant other.
Discipline and other behavioural management things were near the bottom of the list. (WTF?)
I think I'm pretty decent on 1 and 3. I am besotted with my children and I've learnt (from a lack thereof) how to give unconditional love. I think I relate well to people in general and that my kids see that I care, I am respectful and I engage.
But there is no drumroll here. Just when you're thinking you've got the behaviour management thing sorted, these Smart Ass yanks come and tell you it doesn't matter that much.
And it's true. I've done the experiment. Since reading this article and realising that I am a miserable failure at #2, I've made a concerted effort to manage my stress, at least when it comes to how I engage with my boys. It makes an enormous difference - to their mood, their behaviour and subsequently, my enjoyment of parenting them.
So for those that like cheat-sheets, here it is:
1. Love your children for who they are, and not for what they do or what you want them to be. (if your folks stuffed this one up, you probably need to be in therapy to avoid unconsciously repeating the pattern)
2. Calm the fuck down. Get down to their level. Engage. Have fun. Connect. It doesn't have to be all the time, but it absolutely has to be some of the time. They can't contain your stress and they shouldn't have to shoulder it. (note to self Joanne)
3. Be good to people. Kids learn from watching you, so watch yourself.
Waddya think?
I won't go into the full detail of the study, because I'm not sure I could do it justice, but here's the essence:
1. Number 1 is unconditional love. Kids need to feel loved and secure, and unless you've been living under a rock or your surname is Palin, that one's a no-brainer.
2. Number 2 blew my mind and my cortisol levels: "parents' ability to manage their own stress". Yup. If you're a regular, frantic, volatile, exhausted wreck, it has a MASSIVE impact on your children and who they will become later in life.
3. Number 3 is the way parents are seen to relate to one another and to others. Kids learn how to relate to the world by observing; by what they witness and not by what they're told. You've seen the kids with moms that speak badly to hired help. They tend to be rude to service providers too. Equally, dads that get their own way by being aggressive often have bullying sons. Importantly too, for parents in relationships, know that your kids' self esteem is tightly correlated with the integrity and stability of your relationship with your significant other.
Discipline and other behavioural management things were near the bottom of the list. (WTF?)
I think I'm pretty decent on 1 and 3. I am besotted with my children and I've learnt (from a lack thereof) how to give unconditional love. I think I relate well to people in general and that my kids see that I care, I am respectful and I engage.
But there is no drumroll here. Just when you're thinking you've got the behaviour management thing sorted, these Smart Ass yanks come and tell you it doesn't matter that much.
And it's true. I've done the experiment. Since reading this article and realising that I am a miserable failure at #2, I've made a concerted effort to manage my stress, at least when it comes to how I engage with my boys. It makes an enormous difference - to their mood, their behaviour and subsequently, my enjoyment of parenting them.
So for those that like cheat-sheets, here it is:
1. Love your children for who they are, and not for what they do or what you want them to be. (if your folks stuffed this one up, you probably need to be in therapy to avoid unconsciously repeating the pattern)
2. Calm the fuck down. Get down to their level. Engage. Have fun. Connect. It doesn't have to be all the time, but it absolutely has to be some of the time. They can't contain your stress and they shouldn't have to shoulder it. (note to self Joanne)
3. Be good to people. Kids learn from watching you, so watch yourself.
Waddya think?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
In a world where the only socially acceptable 'smack' is heroin
I have a family member in rehab right now. Addiction is nothing new in my family. It's something we have all struggled with in some shape or form. Mine took the form of an eating disorder when I was 20. Now, I work too hard. It's healthier, but only just.
When you have an addict in the family, you read everything you can get your hands on. You talk to as many 'experts' (ie. ex-junkies) as you can find (and it's not hard to find them). You reflect in therapy on your own addictions. The hole that they pretend to fill. The obsessions that they perpetuate. You hold on and enable. You let go and feel afraid.
It's hard.
I've spent a lot of time in the last 5 weeks visiting rehab, sometimes 5 or 6 hours at a time. There is a suburban middle-aged Indian woman there for heroin. A lovely Irish chap with two young kids, debt-ridden and borderline divorced from a horrible coke addiction. There's a 36 year old British stoner who has smoked away his Oedipal Complex for 20 years. There's a 22 year old vegetarian Crystal Meth addict. Her mom's a psychiatrist. She has sores all over her body, swollen gums and the signs of self-mutilation on her arms. This is her fourth stint in rehab. After speaking to her, I get the sense it won't be her last.
It all seems so senseless.
And it's rife. There are big shots and little people in rehab. Addiction knows no colour or class or age. It throttles everyone it touches...and then some. Our children will grow up in a world where weed is completely acceptable, when in actual fact, it is terrifying in its insidiousness, robbing the ambitious of their drive and the thinkers of their true smarts, rendering their lives static and their emotional intelligence subdued at best. A sort of quick-sand for life.
And then, at parties, our kids will be confronted with cat and meth and smack and pills from someobody's mom's medicine cabinet. It's real and it's more pervasive than most people would like to admit. And it scares the shit out of me.
For what it's worth, I read a book called 'Raising Drug Free Kids' and these were the big insights from it:
1. Children have to learn to self-stimulate. If they constantly rely on external sources of stimulation, like TV, computer games and Nintendo Wii, they will never develop the capacity to create an acceptable level of stimulation from within. They'll seek it outside, in substances.
2. More often than not, people use drugs and alcohol to numb bad feelings. We shouldn't tell our children not to cry or not to vent their anger. They have to feel that ALL emotions are okay and that their parents are big enough to contain them. That doesn't mean all behaviour is acceptable.
3. Children that play sport seriously are less likely to use drugs in high school. If they learn to respect their bodies, they're far less likely to put harmful substances into them.
4. Families need to stay close. This can work in a divorced home or in a single parent family. A child just needs a safe space to call home.
5. Kids with good self-worth are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. Self esteem is not built through praise. It's built through giving children responsibility, the opportunity to develop real competence and unconditional love when they stuff it up.
Good luck to all of us. It's not easy to parent in this world.
When you have an addict in the family, you read everything you can get your hands on. You talk to as many 'experts' (ie. ex-junkies) as you can find (and it's not hard to find them). You reflect in therapy on your own addictions. The hole that they pretend to fill. The obsessions that they perpetuate. You hold on and enable. You let go and feel afraid.
It's hard.
I've spent a lot of time in the last 5 weeks visiting rehab, sometimes 5 or 6 hours at a time. There is a suburban middle-aged Indian woman there for heroin. A lovely Irish chap with two young kids, debt-ridden and borderline divorced from a horrible coke addiction. There's a 36 year old British stoner who has smoked away his Oedipal Complex for 20 years. There's a 22 year old vegetarian Crystal Meth addict. Her mom's a psychiatrist. She has sores all over her body, swollen gums and the signs of self-mutilation on her arms. This is her fourth stint in rehab. After speaking to her, I get the sense it won't be her last.
It all seems so senseless.
And it's rife. There are big shots and little people in rehab. Addiction knows no colour or class or age. It throttles everyone it touches...and then some. Our children will grow up in a world where weed is completely acceptable, when in actual fact, it is terrifying in its insidiousness, robbing the ambitious of their drive and the thinkers of their true smarts, rendering their lives static and their emotional intelligence subdued at best. A sort of quick-sand for life.
And then, at parties, our kids will be confronted with cat and meth and smack and pills from someobody's mom's medicine cabinet. It's real and it's more pervasive than most people would like to admit. And it scares the shit out of me.
For what it's worth, I read a book called 'Raising Drug Free Kids' and these were the big insights from it:
1. Children have to learn to self-stimulate. If they constantly rely on external sources of stimulation, like TV, computer games and Nintendo Wii, they will never develop the capacity to create an acceptable level of stimulation from within. They'll seek it outside, in substances.
2. More often than not, people use drugs and alcohol to numb bad feelings. We shouldn't tell our children not to cry or not to vent their anger. They have to feel that ALL emotions are okay and that their parents are big enough to contain them. That doesn't mean all behaviour is acceptable.
3. Children that play sport seriously are less likely to use drugs in high school. If they learn to respect their bodies, they're far less likely to put harmful substances into them.
4. Families need to stay close. This can work in a divorced home or in a single parent family. A child just needs a safe space to call home.
5. Kids with good self-worth are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. Self esteem is not built through praise. It's built through giving children responsibility, the opportunity to develop real competence and unconditional love when they stuff it up.
Good luck to all of us. It's not easy to parent in this world.
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