By now, you may have realised that I have a somewhat unhealthy attachment to both my hamster Aubrey and my therapist. Said therapist sent me an amazing article last year about what makes a good parent. The American Journal of Psychiatry published the results of research conducted on children's happiness quotient, their EQ, their success through life, their ability to be in healthy relationships, their self esteem etc etc and conveniently, published a list of the Top 10 things good parents do.
I won't go into the full detail of the study, because I'm not sure I could do it justice, but here's the essence:
1. Number 1 is unconditional love. Kids need to feel loved and secure, and unless you've been living under a rock or your surname is Palin, that one's a no-brainer.
2. Number 2 blew my mind and my cortisol levels: "parents' ability to manage their own stress". Yup. If you're a regular, frantic, volatile, exhausted wreck, it has a MASSIVE impact on your children and who they will become later in life.
3. Number 3 is the way parents are seen to relate to one another and to others. Kids learn how to relate to the world by observing; by what they witness and not by what they're told. You've seen the kids with moms that speak badly to hired help. They tend to be rude to service providers too. Equally, dads that get their own way by being aggressive often have bullying sons. Importantly too, for parents in relationships, know that your kids' self esteem is tightly correlated with the integrity and stability of your relationship with your significant other.
Discipline and other behavioural management things were near the bottom of the list. (WTF?)
I think I'm pretty decent on 1 and 3. I am besotted with my children and I've learnt (from a lack thereof) how to give unconditional love. I think I relate well to people in general and that my kids see that I care, I am respectful and I engage.
But there is no drumroll here. Just when you're thinking you've got the behaviour management thing sorted, these Smart Ass yanks come and tell you it doesn't matter that much.
And it's true. I've done the experiment. Since reading this article and realising that I am a miserable failure at #2, I've made a concerted effort to manage my stress, at least when it comes to how I engage with my boys. It makes an enormous difference - to their mood, their behaviour and subsequently, my enjoyment of parenting them.
So for those that like cheat-sheets, here it is:
1. Love your children for who they are, and not for what they do or what you want them to be. (if your folks stuffed this one up, you probably need to be in therapy to avoid unconsciously repeating the pattern)
2. Calm the fuck down. Get down to their level. Engage. Have fun. Connect. It doesn't have to be all the time, but it absolutely has to be some of the time. They can't contain your stress and they shouldn't have to shoulder it. (note to self Joanne)
3. Be good to people. Kids learn from watching you, so watch yourself.
Waddya think?
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