Cheap Thrills

Last week, I parked my car, tucked my handbag under the passenger seat, grabbed my phone and car keys and headed off down the road to collect Liam from school. It was 13h01 when I left my car and 13h08 when I returned to a shattered window, a loose wire where my GPS used to be and of course, no fucking handbag. This also meant no hot pink patent leather Louis Vuitton purse very generously gifted to me by friends from India. And no credit cards, no drivers' licence, no ATM card, no 16 lip glosses. no half pack of contraceptive pills, no 4 loose Extra chewing gums and no sentimental flakes of tobacco from my days as a Smoker.

Now I could have spent my mental energy working out when the next flight leaves for Boca Raton, but instead, it got me thinking about how to get more bang for my buck.

Just to set the record straight, there was never a silver spoon in this potty mouth. No ma'am. I had a job from age 11, we had jumble sales outside the house when things were tight and the only new clothes I ever recall getting was a luminous get-up my gran bought me from Woolies. Nuff said.

The last few days have thus been a terrific combination of a Cheap Thrills Adventure and a walk down a cash-strapped memory lane. Here's what I found:

1. Best bedtime body moisturiser: Johnson & Johnson Lavender Baby Oil. Even Victoria Beckham uses it. Cheap Dreams ladies.

2. BEST place to get amazing retro furniture, Art Deco desks, 50's bookshelves and genuine antiques at a steal - Kensington. (just don't be a dumbass like me and go via Rockey Street - that place ain't what it used to be)

3. Dischem bum wipes are literally half the price of Pampers. I've been paying for the brand name for years, and Ben's poo is equally responsive to the no-name version. Who knew?

4. Speaking of Dischem, it is actually possible to spend less than four billion rand on a shopping trip there. Two rules:
i) Take a list
ii) Don't take a child

5. What'sApp - if you have a Blackberry or an iphone, for crying in a bucket people, load this app. I am an unrehabilitated app-a-phobic, but this one is da bomb. Last month, my cell phone bill rivalled the GDP of a small African country. No more I say. NO MORE. Instead of almost a buck an SMS (of which I can send a good 40 a day), I now pay basically nothing to my husband, my best friends, my work colleagues and a whole host of other smarty-pants app-ified people. Word.

6. www.allposters.com. In general, we agree: fake-assed art is nasty, but allposters does great canvases, super-cool kids' art, contemporary prints and cool wall decals. I found these totally nasty surfing sharks for our kids' bathroom, a set of beautiful illustrated comical animals for Ben's room and a contemporary piece of aesthetically pleasing crap for my study. It's fun to search and you can even see what your picture will look like in various frames, in various rooms and against various wall colours. Allposters will courier to you framed or unframed. Love. It.

7. My mother's shop. My most recent wins: Chloe wedges. Bottega Veneta handbag. Hogan boots. Diane von Furstenburg wrap dress. Second hand. Vintage. Call it what you will. I call it 'Joanne-gets-couture-for-cheap'. AND you can feel like a good Citizen of the Planet because it's kind of like recycling. I say let the Silly Bitches of the World buy it new. I'm waiting on the other side for their hand-me-downs.

Tomorrow I get my plastic-fantastic back, but in an effort to be more conscious, less of a consumer and more contemporary, I will continue to scout out bargain buys and shall dutifully report back to you.

Later cheapskates....