Miss Independent

My husband is one of the most generous people I know, which is fortunate, because if there is one character trait I cannot stand, it's miserly-ness. And it's often got little to do with how much money someone has: there are many loaded misers around, and in my humble opinion, it's hugely gross. We had the square route of fuckall growing up, but my mom was always generous. She always gave to charity, always tried to spoil us on our birthdays and always, always gave thoughtful gifts.

Even if it meant that she had to wash her own car because she couldn't afford the car wash.

Even if it meant she had to use Clairol Nice 'n Easy on her roots, because a visit to the hairdresser was prohibitively expensive.

Even if it meant that we always wore hand-me-downs.

My father on the other hand, was (and probably still is, although we haven't spoken in years) a real Scrooge. He was miserly with his money, his compassion and his spirit. He would calculate EXACTLY 10% of the bill at a restaurant (Jeezez - like R3 more is going to make a difference?), highlight the phone bill and make me pay my share (from age 15), NEVER give a penny to those less fortunate and never bought me so much as a card on my birthday.

Yuk.

With all of this battered baggage, I promised myself that I would never ever be financially strapped or controlled by my partner. Luckily, David is too generous and too evolved to ever use money as leverage in a relationship, but there are way too many supposedly contemporary men who do.

I have friends that are bright and capable women, but because they chosen to be full time moms, their husbands develop this Godly power over them that they are deeply afraid to escape from; wealthy men with hot-shot jobs that use their credit card to control their women. Sexy boys. Really sexy.

My thinking? Doesn't matter how great your husband is, women, all women, should ultimately have some sort of financial stability or income that is not attached to your resident Scrooge. It teaches some of these numbskulls respect and keeps them on their toes...because if you want to, you can leave and you'll survive it.

Despite having nothing, my father still used money to berate, control and emotionally damage us all. I feel huge compassion for him now, because if you have to use something as filthy as money to have leverage in a relationship, your emotional toolkit is empty.

You can still be a wonderful mom, whilst retaining your independence and sense of self in a relationship. I struggle with that balance all the time and being a working mom is not easy (and it comes in many shapes and forms), but ladies, if you have a control freak or a Scrooge as your roommate, put on Beyonce, burn a bra, write a business plan, start a share portfolio and take your power back.

To any blokes reading this, if you relate to Scrooge, for fuck's sake, grow up and get a therapist. Lord knows, you need one.

To all my sistas, love you. You rock. And if your bloke tells you otherwise, read my post on a FGH. He probably needs one.