Our 4 year old is bright, warm and wonderful, but he is also pushing boundaries, doesn't listen to a damn thing, gives death stares when he's angry and is as cheeky as a 14 year old girl.
And so...
Last Friday, about 11 o clock, my therapist's room:
Me: So I think that discipline is about teaching children the logical consequences of their actions.
Therapist (that I hugely respect and that has massive experience with parents and kids): No. Discipline is about the threat of the removal of love.
Me: WTF??? Removal of love? Jeezez. Did you and my mother go to the same school of parenting? That is so 80's. Your child does something wrong and you make them feel like shit...give them the cold shoulder...sulk. That's complete bull.
Therapist: Very strong reaction.
Me: Yes - well you're talking crap.
Therapist: Don't you think that today's kids have, in general, less respect, less motivation and less boundaries than your or my generation?
Me: I guess. But that's not purely a function of how we discipline our kids.
Therapist: Perhaps, but it's relevant. Children today have emotionally aware parents; parents who control their own reactions and emotions so that they can be 'Good Parents'.
Me: And you're suggesting that that makes them Not Good Parents?
Therapist: No. Just that it's not always appropriate for parents to contain their own emotions. If your child doesn't listen to you after the third time, it's appropriate that they experience your anger and your disappointment, and if that includes withdrawal of affection for a short period of time, that's fine. Your child needs to know that what he does not only has a consequence, but also, an emotional impact on others. Sometimes, a cold shoulder is justified.
Me: But...but it will teach him guilt?
Therapist: It will teach him empathy.
Hmmm...
Is Gen X too soft? Are we too actualised and therapized and distracted to keep our children in check? Is there a case for good ol' fashioned parenting, or at least a peppering of it?
I have an allergic reaction to anything that feels like guilt tripping, but maybe, if the intention is to be authentic and not to incite guilt, then maybe, I can get angry and sad and disappointed and withdrawn and maybe, just maybe, Liam and I will survive it.
My therapist also told me that his colleagues that deal with adolescents report that there seems to be a hugely significant wave of apathy in the 12 - 17 age group; teenagers that are unmotivated, disinterested, lazy. This might be because 82% of them are stoned, but there is something in the way that we are raising our kids that is creating this - and perhaps their behaviour is our 'logical consequence'.
I felt too guilty to lie on the couch and get C's. Is there another emotion we can incite to motivate our kids other than guilt? And if there is one, will it ever be as powerful?
Is this just a problem for Jewish mothers? Oy vey.
Your therapist is a very smart individual. As a school-teacher, the biggest challenge I seem to face on a daily basis is how to deal with kids who are completely out of control, having been raised by parents who simply haven't set any boundaries whatsoever. Not because they are bad parents, but because they prefer not to harm their children - emotionally or otherwise. But they DO harm them. Children NEED rules, children NEED boundaries, children NEED to learn that certain behaviours are entirely unacceptable. I've had many parents ask me to discipline their children for them, for indiscretions that were committed at home - that's how much they were scared of being seen as "the bad guy."
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